"Jesus Was Wrong"

"Definitely worth my $6.50."-Apathetic Arlington

After last week's overwhelming negativity ( see previous post about our newfound nilihism), it's a good thing Little Miss Sunshine came to town, and turned our frowns upside down.

"Little Miss Sunshine tells the story of the Hoovers, one of the most endearingly fractured families ever seen on motion picture screens. Together, the motley six-member family treks from Albuquerque to the Little Miss Sunshine pageant in Redondo Beach, California, to fulfill the deepest wish of 7-year-old Olive, an ordinary little girl with big dreams."



We like it when things COME to Jacksonville.

-Mopey Mandarin

Yee-Haws and Hells Naws Vol. 2

Okay, maybe just Hells Naws. We've been too stressed out over planetary notions that not only have we failed to update, we've become angry nihilists.


Hells Naw to idiots in San Marco that are unaware of the fact that sidewalks are for walking on, not for parking on! Every time I'm in San Marco, which is often, some jerk(s) is always parked on the sidewalk next to the Firehouse Subs. I know that the sidewalk slopes down to the ground in that area, and for some people that might be confusing, but there is still an obvious distinction between the sidewalk and the street. I know it's petty, but I don't feel like anybody should have to put up with this. It's extremely aggravating when you're casually walking down the sidewalk, and all of a sudden there is a gigantic SUV in your way. Just incase you didn't know (though I thought it was common knowledge), there is a parking lot BEHIND the Firehouse Subs that always has parking spots. Join me in my rally cry, "SOS: Save Our Sidewalks!" -MM



Hells Naw to Tom Gallagher for Governor. Please shut up. I hate you and your conservative, pro-censorship, push to make Florida officially part of the Bible Belt, campaign commercials. According to Gallagher, all adult billboards should be taken down, because as a father, he should not have to explain their meaning to his son. What bullshit. Gallagher, you are only stunting your child's intellectual development, by keeping them in the dark. "No, Little Tommy. Sex doesn't exist. Haven't you ever noticed that even your Cabbage Patch Kid doll doesn't have a belly button? He too was delivered by the stork." You should be ashamed of yourself as a politician, Gallagher. Before you want to start preaching to me about the importance of censorship, please brush up on the First Amendment. -MM



Hells Naw to the ruin that has taken over the stretch of Ft. Caroline from Monument to Whompi Drive. I always used to complain about how one lane each way along here was terrible enough, especially around five thiry, but that was before the complete displacement of the entire marshland habitat. ALL of the trees are gone. Down into the water in some places, which I don't understand. The flooding there is bad to begin with. Not to mention, Ft. Caroline is now officially the ugliest road in a twenty mile radius of my house. AND the traffic in the morning sucks. Because the only time to do construction is morning rush hour. I sat there for twenty minutes this morning and moved maybe half a mile. Hell naws, this is a whole different issue. Hold on.

HELLS NAW to morning rush hour construction.

Hells Naw (Horror Continued) Also, there are two huge mountains of sand/dirt/lost socks on the corner of St. Johns Bluff and Ft. Caroline that scare the living daylights out of me. Mystical? Yes. Threat of high wind sandstorms? Yes. Really fast dump trucks all over the two lane road? Yeah, those too. -AA

-Mopey Mandarin and Apathetic Arlington

I Could Be Dell-irious

I Saw You

You: Dark, handsome man. Mid-Twenties. Jovial countenance. Sitting in the Barnes and Noble Cafe on San Jose Blvd. Too occupied with your Dell laptop to notice my stares.

Me: Concerned citizen. Here to warn you of your potentially lethal fate!

Ignorance is bliss. Sure you are happy now, but you won't be so thrilled when you're causually playing Minesweeper and sipping your double soy macchiato, no foam, 2 splendas; and suddenly your Dell explodes in your face!



Assuming you are fortunate enough to survive the blow, you'll still have to grieve the loss of the four dollars you wasted on your coffee. And it will probably be hard to cope with the fact, that in order to play solitaire you will actually need to find a deck of cards. But it will all be ok, because I'll be waiting for you by the magazine rack (despite any disfigurments resulting from the burns).

But on a more serious note...
At first I pitied Mr. Dell, and then came to realize that my sympathy was unjustified. I too am a potential victim. Afterall, my iBook contains the same Sony made, combustion prone, litium ion battery as Mr. Dell's laptop. But furthermore, I am susceptible to the overheating battery we call life. I run an abundance of "applications": scholar, retail sales associate, amateur blogger, daughter, friend, etc. How does one decided when they must force quite (or I guess control-alt-delete for you PC users)? Or is overheating inevitable?

At least the temperature is falling in the atmosphere.

-Mopey Mandarin

Hot Air Rises To Cloud Nine

So I stumbled across msn's list of angriest cities this morning, and was very surprised to see that Jacksonville ranked number nine. I don’t know whether that’s because I expected a higher or lower rank, really, I just know that I had to refresh the page again to make sure it was actually msn. The list of the U.S.’s top ten angriest cities is as follows:

1. Orlando, FL
2. St. Petersburg, FL
3. Detroit, MI
4. Baltimore, MD
5. Nashville, TN
6. Wilmington, DE
7. Miami, FL
8. Memphis, TN
9. Jacksonville, FL
10. St. Louis, MO
All I know after all this is that the last time I was in Orlando, the car broke down, and just a minute ago, here in Jacksonville, my power went out. I’m pretty pissed about the power. It’s always going out for no reason. I think someone told me once that it happens because the power lines around here aren’t underground. Whatever, I just want my power. Damn JEA.



On more neutral note, props to Neptune Beach for denying Wal-Mart.

-Angry Apathetic Arlington

Yee-Haws and Hells Naws

There is a hardcore confederate flag wavin', Nat Ice drinkin', pick up truck with ridiculously large wheels drivin', would-be-redneck-but-don't-live-deep-enough-in-Orange-Park family living at the end of my street. It is in their honor that I shall distribute my list of today's Yee-Haws and Hells Naws.

Yee-Haw to the Wonderwood Connector.
I swear our blog isn't devoted to roads. Really. It's just that it actually IS a good thing when I can get from my house to Neptune Beach in fifteen mintues and make my long awaited doctors appointment with no speeding. Because in most cases if you have to go to the doctor, you probably aren't well enough to speed due to lack of reflexes and maybe even complete concern. Or something. Just Saying.

Hells Naw to city buses.
Now there is not a lot I want more than good public transportation for Jacksonville, but come on already. Yes, yes everybody saw that huge article in the Times Union awhile back about how the buses are always late (because we couldn't tell that from the fact that no one is ever seen getting on a bus, just waiting for one) and how they take ages to get anywhere, but let's talk about the drivers for a minute. They suck. Drivers, you suck. Yesterday for example, I'm trying to go to the Regency Branch library. I'm on Monument and get stuck in traffic (thanks Super Wal-Mart). The second everything starts moving again fast enough for me to have to turn up my music, I get cut off by a city bus. Not just cut off, I'm talking attempted murder via lane change. So there's that.

But also, the other month I was waiting in a line of cars, as there was one lane, and staring at the people on the opposite side of the road in the same situation. Low and behold, a city bus is waiting on that opposite side and when the car I was behind moved up, the bus tries to overtake the stopped cars (yes, stopped. yes, all of them.) by pulling into my lane. Facing me. Driving towards me. Yes. Sensing the danger? Seeing the problem?

Hells Naw to garage sitting.
What the fuck? Someone explain to me the idea of chilling out on a lawn chair in your garage while listening to 96.9 The Eagle, dinking beer, and talking about football. Maybe it's a guy thing? I don't know. Weird. It's hot out, go inside and wash your hands or something.


-Apathetic Arlington

The Southside Connector Ruined My Life

We intended our first actual blog to be about alternative fuels, and the lack there of in Jacksonville, but I had such a traumatizing experience on the Southside Connector tonight, that I felt an angry rant was in order.






Tonight I decided to travel over to Regency to go see Scoop, because it's the only place that it's playing in town, which is a disgrace. When did Woody Allen become D-list to Will Farell and Ashanti?
I have always tried to shy away from the Southside Connector, because of the lack of exit signs, perpetual construction, and the fear of ending up in Mayport. But tonight I ignored my better judgment, and attempted to take the Southside Connector from Southside Blvd to the movie theater. I knew that I need to get off at Regency Square Blvd, so it was just a matter of spotting the exit. Almost immediately I saw a sign that read "Regency Square Blvd, Downtown", and logically assumed that the exit would put me on Regency Square Blvd towards downtown. I continued to drive looking for an exit that would take me in the opposite direction, but no such thing exists. The next exit was for the Trednick Parkway. I got off in fear of ending up having to go all the way to Mayport, and thankfully immediately recognized my surroundings.
I could see the movie theater in the distance, it was just a matter of figuring out how to get there. I'm a big fan of cutting through parking lots, and decided that Lowes wouldn't be offended if I took a detour through their back lot. After manipulating my way through the parkinglot, I ended up at an unfamiliar road. I took a shot in the dark and made a left turn, ending up at Monument. I hardly go to Arlington, so I was completely turned around, and figured I would press my luck yet again, and make a right. Luckly, I have good instincts, and I ended up at the mall. Reverting back to my "if all else fails attitude", I cut through the parking lot of the mall and found my way to the theater.
Scoop was hilarious, and eased most of my driving pains. And a trip to Sonic, following the movie, for a Brownie Blast Sundae, had me believing that my night was turing up. But I am yet still young, and quite naive. I still had to endure the ride home.
Being the naive and arrogant person that I am, I figured that I would have no troubles getting back to the Southside Connector, since I could just go back the way I came. Somehow I made a wrong turn, and ended up on Regency Square Blvd again, instead of on Trednick, but I assumed it didn't matter. I made a left turn onto Regency Square Blvd, and looked for the south ramp, but it was nowhere to be found. I don't know if there just isn't a south ramp yet, or if I didn't see it due to a lack of much needed lighting. Either way, I ended up on the Southside Connector, but going north. The next exit was Trednick, familiar territoy. Thankfully, there weren't any new detours and I was able to exit and get back onto the Southside Connector heading south. After much confusion, I was on my way back to Mandarin.
The moral of the story....Never take the Southside Connector. It's always better just to cut through parking lots.

-Mopey Mandarin

Our first blog! Yay!

Is it just us, or do Robert Plant and Janis Joplin look ridiculously alike?