The Virgin Scaly

In Manchester,England a Komodo dragon gives a virgin birth to five.

WTF.

: (

Alright all you animal lovers, listen up.



Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey are in town, and that is your signal to drag out those printed on 100% recycled paper protest signs. Bozo and the gang have been in town since the 14th, but since I've been away from this technology nonsense for so long I only got my e-mail from PETA today, letting me know of the "anti-circus demonstrations" taking place in the area. But don't worry, you haven't missed your chance! The following dates are the last two scheduled anti-circus demos before the tour leaves for somewhere that isn't the Vetrans Memorial Arena.

Saturday, January 20, 10:00 a.m., 2:00 p.m., and 6:00 p.m.
Sunday, January 21, 12:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.

And if you don't care (you heartless unethical twit), then enjoy this video, featuring a truely respectable role model- that guy from MTV.

As quxzyt writes in the comments, "Fuck that peace of shit motherfuckers hurting that poor baby elephant! ASSHOLES." Oh, quxzyt, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I promise I'm still here, Apathetic Arlington

Ozymandias

Idiocracy or nostalgia? Once a staple attraction of Goony Golf, this now homeless 20 foot T-Rex is to be given a full make over and turned into a glorified momument along Beach Blvd. We've all seen it. Driving down the road. Just cruising. And all of a sudden....WTF, is that a dinosuar?
Personally I'm a fan of the rex, but I don't understand how the fate of this out-of-place landmark has stirred up so much hype. From Jacksonville.com, "Neighbors worried about the fate of the familiar but forlorn orange-painted statue, whose floodlight-lit eyes used to blink and whose mechanical arm had operated a door to collect the golf balls....calls flooded into Ash Properties"
It's a little bit ridiculous. So much attention is being given to the restoration, you would think it was historical or of some greater commemoration (i.e Holocaust, MLK, The Great Fire of 1901), not of a demolished has-been minigolf course. But reportedly, love for this statue extends far beyond the hearts of Jacksonvillians, with requests to obtain the dinosaur from such places as Disney World, L.A, and even Australia. Maybe I'm just missing something.

Long live the T-Rex!
Mopey Mandarin

What's A Jew To Do?

Every year Jews across the nation are faced with the same predicament: What's a Jew to do on Christmas? You could, once again, sit around your house cursing the damn Capitalists that ruined the entire month of December. Or, you could make something of yourself for a change and seize the day! Here are some suggestions for all of my fellow Jews and a few for the rest of my non-Christian comrades.

1. Eat Chineese/ Japanese food.
2. Check out the new (really bad) movies opening in theaters. Rocky Balboa anyone?
3. Call your grandmother in New York and bitch about all the crazy gentiles wearing ridicuously over-embellished holiday sweaters.
4. Check your bank account. You'll be happy to know that you didn't waste all of your hard earned dollars buying gifts for your entire extended family.
5. Make a list of all the times you wished somebody "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Then email it to Bill O'Reilly.
6. Make a shirt that says "I Support the War on Christmas." Include a picture of yourself wearing it in your email to Bill.
7. Call your aunt to thank her for the socks that she bought you for Hanukka.
8. Go to your neighbor's house to play with their new Ninetendo Wii and try eggnog for the first time.
9. Figure out all of the Jewish stereotypes that apply to you (probably all of them).
10. Update your blog that you've neglected for the past two weeks!

Happy Holidays everyone!
-Mopey Mandarin

Llamas: The New Miracle Drug

From BruneiDirect.com:
If terrorists ever unleashed a biological weapon, unusual molecules normally found in the blood of llamas could quickly help warn of the attack, scientists now report.
Full Article

Llama blood: Penicillin of the 21^st Century. Who would've thunk it?

Mexican Mochas and Some Popcorn Please

Free Movie Night Tonight at Empire Coffee
Everyone should go and help support this fine establishment.
What could be better on a Tuesday night than a free movie and good coffee.
And then stop by again this Saturday at 6PM for more free entertainment and more delicious coffee.

For more info check out their myspace. www.myspace.com/empirecoffee

Yee-Haws, Hell-Naws, and a WTF

It's that time again.

Hells Naw
To http://www.platewire.com, the site that allows drivers everywhere to "communicate their thoughts and feelings in regards to driving on todays' roadways." Okay, fine. But, uh, this: is causing major internet nausea. Why does every website out there have to be about e-flirting or whatever the hip internet lingo word is?
And if it isn't about some sexual predator it is about being a complete dumbass? Here is a Jacksonville example: Um?

Hells Naw
To this. Come on. Chill out.

Yee-Haw
To Jacksonville Public Library getting Audiobooks that are downloadable from the comfort of your own home. This is pretty cool. I bet that there are a lot of everyones cheering about not having to read to read (add that idea to WTF, please).

WTF
to Forrest High School going to the School Board for a name change case again. Yes, the name is bad/ racially inappropriate/ angering. But at the same time, stop freaking out about it and just do it, School Board, and then maybe improve Forrest itself. Because their education probably sucks more than the name, no?

-Apathetic Arlington

Sweet Potatoes, Green Beans, and Squash! Oh My!

Who doesn't love sidedishes. They're arguably the best part of the meal, so try one (or two or three) of these on for sides

Herbed Scalloped Yams
1/2 pounds yams, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch slices
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 garlic cloves, pressed
1 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoons coarse black pepper
1 tablespoons chopped fresh sage
1 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1 1/2 cups half-and-half

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. In large bowl toss all ingredients.
3. Transfer to lightly oiled casserole dish, spreading out slices with your fingers.
4. Bake 45 minutes or until potatoes are tender and top is golden brown.

Pumpkin and Sweet Potato Soup with Bacon Bits
2 ounces reduced-sodium bacon or turkey bacon, coarsely chopped
2 shallots or small onions, finely chopped
2 quarts chicken stock or vegetable stock
12 ounces sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 can (16 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin or 2 cups cooked winter squash
1/8 teaspoon each salt and pepper
Pinch of ground nutmeg
2 tablespoons chopped parsley

1. In a 4-quart saucepan, cook the bacon over moderate heat about 3 minutes, until the fat is rendered and the bacon is crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the bacon to paper towels and reserve.
2. Add the shallots to the saucepan, then 1/4 cup of the stock, and sauté, stirring constantly, about 3 minutes, until softened.
3. Add the sweet potatoes and cook, stirring, about 3 minutes. Pour in the remaining stock and bring to a boil. Simmer, partially covered, about 10 minutes, until the sweet potatoes are very soft.
4. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the vegetables to a blender or food processor and purée until smooth. Add the pumpkin and process to combine.
5. Add the vegetable purée to the saucepan and return to a simmer. Stir the salt, pepper and nutmeg into the soup. Serve sprinkled with the crumbled bacon and parsley.
Makes: 9 1/2 cups

Candied Parsnips
2 pounds parsnips, trimmed
1/4 cup butter
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Minced fresh parsley

1. With a vegetable peeler, peel parsnips.
2. In a Dutch oven, cook parsnips in a small amount of salted boiling water for 25 minutes or until tender; drain. Let stand until cool enough to handle.
3. Cut parsnips into slices or julienned strips.
4. In the same pan, melt butter. Stir in honey and nutmeg.
5. Add parsnips and stir to coat.
6. Cook until lightly browned and sprinkle with parsley.
Serves 8

Maple Squash and Apples
3/4 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup butter, cubed
1/4 cup apple juice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
3 small butternut squash (about 1-1/2 pounds each)
4 large tart apples, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch slices

1. In a small saucepan, combine the syrup, butter and apple juice. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Cook and stir for 5 minutes or until slightly thickened. Remove from the heat; whisk in the cinnamon, salt and allspice. Set aside.
2. Peel squash and cut in half lengthwise. Remove seeds and cut into 1/4-in. slices. Place a third of the squash in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking dish. Layer with half of the apples and a third of the squash. Top with alternating slices of remaining squash and apples. Pour syrup mixture over the top.
3. Cover and bake at 400° for 30-35 minutes or until squash is almost tender. Uncover; bake 15 minutes longer, basting twice.
Serves 8-10

Thanks Reader's Digest Living!

Hey there good lookin'...I sure like the looks of your giblet.

Not quite sure what you're cooking for Thanksgiving? Or do you need to something to spice up the ol' menue?
Try some of these unusual recipes for a memorable Thanksgiving dinner. Today we bring you tofurky. More recipes are on the way, leading up to the big day.



Deep Fried Tofurky
· Thaw Tofurky according to package instructions
· Bake roast with marinade or spices for 1 hour at 300 degrees covered or wrapped in foil
· Remove from oven and let stand for 1-2 minutes
· Slowly drop into deep fryer to avoid grease from splattering
· Deep fry in Peanut Oil at 375 degrees for 4-5 minutes or until a golden brown
· Remove from fryer and drain on paper towels
· Product will be very hot! Please use caution when slicing.

South of the Border Tofurky Bake
1 tablespoon canola oil
2 teaspoons fresh, minced garlic
2 red bell peppers, sliced thinly, lengthwise
1 onion, sliced thinly
1 (7oz.) can chopped green chilies
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 Tofurky Giblet & Mushroom Gravy
1 Tofurky, sliced
1 ½ cups shredded Monterey jack cheese or non-dairy cheese
1 tablespoon melted margarine or olive oil
½ cup bread crumbs
2 tomatoes, chopped
½ teaspoon garlic salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large skillet, add oil and sauté garlic, stirring constantly for 1 minute. Add red peppers and onion and cook for 2 minutes or until vegetables are crisp and tender. Add green chilies, cumin and gravy. Stir, heat through and remove from heat. In oblong baking dish, layer half of the slices of Tofurky, half of the vegetables with sauce and half of the cheese. Repeat layers. In a small bowl, mix together the melted margarine, bread crumbs, tomatoes, garlic salt and pepper. Top casserole with breadcrumb mixture. Bake, covered, at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

Or if you prefer something more traditional....

Roast Tofurky baked with Caramelized Onion and Cherry Relish
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 large onion, sliced very thin
1 cup dried sour cherries
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons dijon mustard
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4 tablespoons apple cider
1 Tofurky roast

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat. Add onion, cherries, brown sugar and vinegar and cook, stirring occasionally, until onions are soft. Stir in mustard and apple cider, and simmer for two more minutes.

Place Tofurky roast on sheet of heavy-duty aluminum foil, and spread with the onion mixture. Wrap roast snugly with the foil. Place in roasting pan, and place on center rack of oven. Bake for 45 minutes. Uncover roast for last 10 minutes of baking.

Slice roast, and serve with some of the pan juices spooned over it.
*Can be served with Tofurky Giblet & Mushroom Gravy drizzled over it also.

Courtesy of www.tofurky.com

Epidemic Alert!

Hide your children and round up your dogs, dendrophobia is sweeping the town. Dendrophobia, fear of trees: subdivision developers have been coping with it for many years now, the brains behind the Better Jacksonville Plan are familiar with it, now my nieghbors have caught it, and it continues to spread rapidly.

One evening last week, I was not so pleasantly surprised when I arrived home to find the jaws of death chomping away at all the beautiful trees on my neighbor's front lawn. I ask you dear neighbors, what did those harmless trees ever do to you? Were they not converting enough CO₂ into wonderous breathable 0₂ for you? Or did you get attacked by one of those damn pine needles on your way out to work one morning?
Why do we continue this unjustified genocide against our fellow inhabitants of Earth? It's happening at the new luxury condominums down the street, at the newest mall, at the opening of yet another Super Walmart, and in our very own backyards. Stop the murder!
-Mopey Mandarin