Dead

Mopey Mandarin has flown the coop (aka relocated to the opposite side of the country), therefore being the last out of shape bendy straw that is the final demise of Suburban Jacksonville.

So it goes.

Yours,
Apathetic Arlington and Mopey Mandarin
200? - 2007

Bye Bye Empire

Bye bye mexican mocahs. Bye bye free movie nights. Bye bye Regency Starbucks alternative. A few months back, Empire Coffee hinted at their foreseen demise, but now it's offical, they're going out of business.It's always a shame to see one of our fine local establishments go out of business, especially one that was so short lived. In honor of Empire Coffee, we should all use this as opportunity to boycott (or continue boycotting) blood sucking mega establishments, such as Starbucks and other coffee chains. Luckily, we still have places like Uncommon Grounds and Fuel.


Empire, you will be missed, but never forgotten.

Local coffee lover,
Mopey Mandarin

AFK...Suicide

Good news is that we didn't die or get abducted by aliens. We have actually just been on the lamb, due to a small quarell with the federal government.
But now that the cheesy jokes are finished, the truth is that we are just lazy, which is why we haven't blogged for the past few months (more like 5, but who's counting).
So in honor of summer and our return, in true Suburban Jacksonville fashion, we present another lovely edition of Yee-Haws and Hells-Naws!

Hells-Naw Numero Uno: Summer Trilogies. Spider Man 3...bad. Shrek the Third...bad. Pirates of the Carribean 3...not even going to waste the $8. Summer movies are truely capitalism at its best; anything to make a buck. Creative integrity seems to disappear after the first $100 million.

Good thing for MOCA Summer Cinema.Yee-Haw to $6 movies and sophisticated themes. This Wednesday, The Devil's Backbone, directed by Guillermo del Toro (who also directed Pan's Labyrinth, which was definitely worth the $8), shows at 7pm. There's nothing better than popcorn with a nice side of Fascism!

Hells-Naw to Apathetic Arlington, who has abandoned Jacksonville for the summer and has headed off for London. Look's like she's too big for our modest blog, and has taken some internships (note the plural) at a few London magazines. Who the hell does she think she is? Elitist snob. But I regress. Let's all wish her the best of luck, and hopefully we can even convince her to find some time to blog about all her excitement in that wonderful metropolis.

Over and Out,
Mopey Mandarin and Apathetic Arlington

The Virgin Scaly

In Manchester,England a Komodo dragon gives a virgin birth to five.

WTF.

: (

Alright all you animal lovers, listen up.



Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey are in town, and that is your signal to drag out those printed on 100% recycled paper protest signs. Bozo and the gang have been in town since the 14th, but since I've been away from this technology nonsense for so long I only got my e-mail from PETA today, letting me know of the "anti-circus demonstrations" taking place in the area. But don't worry, you haven't missed your chance! The following dates are the last two scheduled anti-circus demos before the tour leaves for somewhere that isn't the Vetrans Memorial Arena.

Saturday, January 20, 10:00 a.m., 2:00 p.m., and 6:00 p.m.
Sunday, January 21, 12:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.

And if you don't care (you heartless unethical twit), then enjoy this video, featuring a truely respectable role model- that guy from MTV.

As quxzyt writes in the comments, "Fuck that peace of shit motherfuckers hurting that poor baby elephant! ASSHOLES." Oh, quxzyt, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I promise I'm still here, Apathetic Arlington

Ozymandias

Idiocracy or nostalgia? Once a staple attraction of Goony Golf, this now homeless 20 foot T-Rex is to be given a full make over and turned into a glorified momument along Beach Blvd. We've all seen it. Driving down the road. Just cruising. And all of a sudden....WTF, is that a dinosuar?
Personally I'm a fan of the rex, but I don't understand how the fate of this out-of-place landmark has stirred up so much hype. From Jacksonville.com, "Neighbors worried about the fate of the familiar but forlorn orange-painted statue, whose floodlight-lit eyes used to blink and whose mechanical arm had operated a door to collect the golf balls....calls flooded into Ash Properties"
It's a little bit ridiculous. So much attention is being given to the restoration, you would think it was historical or of some greater commemoration (i.e Holocaust, MLK, The Great Fire of 1901), not of a demolished has-been minigolf course. But reportedly, love for this statue extends far beyond the hearts of Jacksonvillians, with requests to obtain the dinosaur from such places as Disney World, L.A, and even Australia. Maybe I'm just missing something.

Long live the T-Rex!
Mopey Mandarin

What's A Jew To Do?

Every year Jews across the nation are faced with the same predicament: What's a Jew to do on Christmas? You could, once again, sit around your house cursing the damn Capitalists that ruined the entire month of December. Or, you could make something of yourself for a change and seize the day! Here are some suggestions for all of my fellow Jews and a few for the rest of my non-Christian comrades.

1. Eat Chineese/ Japanese food.
2. Check out the new (really bad) movies opening in theaters. Rocky Balboa anyone?
3. Call your grandmother in New York and bitch about all the crazy gentiles wearing ridicuously over-embellished holiday sweaters.
4. Check your bank account. You'll be happy to know that you didn't waste all of your hard earned dollars buying gifts for your entire extended family.
5. Make a list of all the times you wished somebody "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Then email it to Bill O'Reilly.
6. Make a shirt that says "I Support the War on Christmas." Include a picture of yourself wearing it in your email to Bill.
7. Call your aunt to thank her for the socks that she bought you for Hanukka.
8. Go to your neighbor's house to play with their new Ninetendo Wii and try eggnog for the first time.
9. Figure out all of the Jewish stereotypes that apply to you (probably all of them).
10. Update your blog that you've neglected for the past two weeks!

Happy Holidays everyone!
-Mopey Mandarin

Llamas: The New Miracle Drug

From BruneiDirect.com:
If terrorists ever unleashed a biological weapon, unusual molecules normally found in the blood of llamas could quickly help warn of the attack, scientists now report.
Full Article

Llama blood: Penicillin of the 21^st Century. Who would've thunk it?

Mexican Mochas and Some Popcorn Please

Free Movie Night Tonight at Empire Coffee
Everyone should go and help support this fine establishment.
What could be better on a Tuesday night than a free movie and good coffee.
And then stop by again this Saturday at 6PM for more free entertainment and more delicious coffee.

For more info check out their myspace. www.myspace.com/empirecoffee

Yee-Haws, Hell-Naws, and a WTF

It's that time again.

Hells Naw
To http://www.platewire.com, the site that allows drivers everywhere to "communicate their thoughts and feelings in regards to driving on todays' roadways." Okay, fine. But, uh, this: is causing major internet nausea. Why does every website out there have to be about e-flirting or whatever the hip internet lingo word is?
And if it isn't about some sexual predator it is about being a complete dumbass? Here is a Jacksonville example: Um?

Hells Naw
To this. Come on. Chill out.

Yee-Haw
To Jacksonville Public Library getting Audiobooks that are downloadable from the comfort of your own home. This is pretty cool. I bet that there are a lot of everyones cheering about not having to read to read (add that idea to WTF, please).

WTF
to Forrest High School going to the School Board for a name change case again. Yes, the name is bad/ racially inappropriate/ angering. But at the same time, stop freaking out about it and just do it, School Board, and then maybe improve Forrest itself. Because their education probably sucks more than the name, no?

-Apathetic Arlington

Sweet Potatoes, Green Beans, and Squash! Oh My!

Who doesn't love sidedishes. They're arguably the best part of the meal, so try one (or two or three) of these on for sides

Herbed Scalloped Yams
1/2 pounds yams, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch slices
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 garlic cloves, pressed
1 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoons coarse black pepper
1 tablespoons chopped fresh sage
1 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1 1/2 cups half-and-half

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. In large bowl toss all ingredients.
3. Transfer to lightly oiled casserole dish, spreading out slices with your fingers.
4. Bake 45 minutes or until potatoes are tender and top is golden brown.

Pumpkin and Sweet Potato Soup with Bacon Bits
2 ounces reduced-sodium bacon or turkey bacon, coarsely chopped
2 shallots or small onions, finely chopped
2 quarts chicken stock or vegetable stock
12 ounces sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 can (16 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin or 2 cups cooked winter squash
1/8 teaspoon each salt and pepper
Pinch of ground nutmeg
2 tablespoons chopped parsley

1. In a 4-quart saucepan, cook the bacon over moderate heat about 3 minutes, until the fat is rendered and the bacon is crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the bacon to paper towels and reserve.
2. Add the shallots to the saucepan, then 1/4 cup of the stock, and sauté, stirring constantly, about 3 minutes, until softened.
3. Add the sweet potatoes and cook, stirring, about 3 minutes. Pour in the remaining stock and bring to a boil. Simmer, partially covered, about 10 minutes, until the sweet potatoes are very soft.
4. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the vegetables to a blender or food processor and purée until smooth. Add the pumpkin and process to combine.
5. Add the vegetable purée to the saucepan and return to a simmer. Stir the salt, pepper and nutmeg into the soup. Serve sprinkled with the crumbled bacon and parsley.
Makes: 9 1/2 cups

Candied Parsnips
2 pounds parsnips, trimmed
1/4 cup butter
2 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Minced fresh parsley

1. With a vegetable peeler, peel parsnips.
2. In a Dutch oven, cook parsnips in a small amount of salted boiling water for 25 minutes or until tender; drain. Let stand until cool enough to handle.
3. Cut parsnips into slices or julienned strips.
4. In the same pan, melt butter. Stir in honey and nutmeg.
5. Add parsnips and stir to coat.
6. Cook until lightly browned and sprinkle with parsley.
Serves 8

Maple Squash and Apples
3/4 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup butter, cubed
1/4 cup apple juice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
3 small butternut squash (about 1-1/2 pounds each)
4 large tart apples, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch slices

1. In a small saucepan, combine the syrup, butter and apple juice. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Cook and stir for 5 minutes or until slightly thickened. Remove from the heat; whisk in the cinnamon, salt and allspice. Set aside.
2. Peel squash and cut in half lengthwise. Remove seeds and cut into 1/4-in. slices. Place a third of the squash in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking dish. Layer with half of the apples and a third of the squash. Top with alternating slices of remaining squash and apples. Pour syrup mixture over the top.
3. Cover and bake at 400° for 30-35 minutes or until squash is almost tender. Uncover; bake 15 minutes longer, basting twice.
Serves 8-10

Thanks Reader's Digest Living!

Hey there good lookin'...I sure like the looks of your giblet.

Not quite sure what you're cooking for Thanksgiving? Or do you need to something to spice up the ol' menue?
Try some of these unusual recipes for a memorable Thanksgiving dinner. Today we bring you tofurky. More recipes are on the way, leading up to the big day.



Deep Fried Tofurky
· Thaw Tofurky according to package instructions
· Bake roast with marinade or spices for 1 hour at 300 degrees covered or wrapped in foil
· Remove from oven and let stand for 1-2 minutes
· Slowly drop into deep fryer to avoid grease from splattering
· Deep fry in Peanut Oil at 375 degrees for 4-5 minutes or until a golden brown
· Remove from fryer and drain on paper towels
· Product will be very hot! Please use caution when slicing.

South of the Border Tofurky Bake
1 tablespoon canola oil
2 teaspoons fresh, minced garlic
2 red bell peppers, sliced thinly, lengthwise
1 onion, sliced thinly
1 (7oz.) can chopped green chilies
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 Tofurky Giblet & Mushroom Gravy
1 Tofurky, sliced
1 ½ cups shredded Monterey jack cheese or non-dairy cheese
1 tablespoon melted margarine or olive oil
½ cup bread crumbs
2 tomatoes, chopped
½ teaspoon garlic salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large skillet, add oil and sauté garlic, stirring constantly for 1 minute. Add red peppers and onion and cook for 2 minutes or until vegetables are crisp and tender. Add green chilies, cumin and gravy. Stir, heat through and remove from heat. In oblong baking dish, layer half of the slices of Tofurky, half of the vegetables with sauce and half of the cheese. Repeat layers. In a small bowl, mix together the melted margarine, bread crumbs, tomatoes, garlic salt and pepper. Top casserole with breadcrumb mixture. Bake, covered, at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

Or if you prefer something more traditional....

Roast Tofurky baked with Caramelized Onion and Cherry Relish
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 large onion, sliced very thin
1 cup dried sour cherries
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons dijon mustard
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4 tablespoons apple cider
1 Tofurky roast

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat. Add onion, cherries, brown sugar and vinegar and cook, stirring occasionally, until onions are soft. Stir in mustard and apple cider, and simmer for two more minutes.

Place Tofurky roast on sheet of heavy-duty aluminum foil, and spread with the onion mixture. Wrap roast snugly with the foil. Place in roasting pan, and place on center rack of oven. Bake for 45 minutes. Uncover roast for last 10 minutes of baking.

Slice roast, and serve with some of the pan juices spooned over it.
*Can be served with Tofurky Giblet & Mushroom Gravy drizzled over it also.

Courtesy of www.tofurky.com

Epidemic Alert!

Hide your children and round up your dogs, dendrophobia is sweeping the town. Dendrophobia, fear of trees: subdivision developers have been coping with it for many years now, the brains behind the Better Jacksonville Plan are familiar with it, now my nieghbors have caught it, and it continues to spread rapidly.

One evening last week, I was not so pleasantly surprised when I arrived home to find the jaws of death chomping away at all the beautiful trees on my neighbor's front lawn. I ask you dear neighbors, what did those harmless trees ever do to you? Were they not converting enough CO₂ into wonderous breathable 0₂ for you? Or did you get attacked by one of those damn pine needles on your way out to work one morning?
Why do we continue this unjustified genocide against our fellow inhabitants of Earth? It's happening at the new luxury condominums down the street, at the newest mall, at the opening of yet another Super Walmart, and in our very own backyards. Stop the murder!
-Mopey Mandarin

Suburban Wishes

Happy Birthday, Mopey Mandarin!
Go blog or something.


-Apathetic Arlington

"Where is our Empire, Momma?"

Killing time before Regency Branch library opened the other day, I stumbled across an interesting little place in a new and nearly empty strip located kind of behind Home Depot and kind of in front of Regency Square Mall and kind of beside the Regency AMC 24. Empire Coffee is a new, independently owned coffee house that's been open for just over three weeks. Neil, a co-owner, told me that they are desperately looking for amateur artists to fill up their bare walls and live performers to fill everyone's hearts with vanilla flavored syrup. More or less anyway, I might be paraphrasing. The coffee's good, the people are nice, they have good magazines on the table, and I'm all about this over Starbucks for a change. Their specific address and hours are located on their MySpace.



This got me thinking about the lack of independently owned whatevers in my area. Okay, no, that isn't true. The lack of interesting, well-kept, worth my time independently owned whatevers. All I'm saying is that I can't think of anywhere other than Five Points, San Marco, the Beaches, and the Urban Jungle where I can go to directly support someone's business in style. Sure, you've got your used bookstore (smelly piles upon piles of bad condition romance novels) every once in a while, a CD store (with 34 copies of Britney's first album and a poster of Yanni on the wall) here and there, and maybe even a 'unique gifts' shop (potpourri filled wicker baskets on tables that even your creepy sixth grade English teacher would despise) around every other corner, but what good does this do me? How are these places even still in business? The exception, as to be expected, are little hole in the wall restaurants and such, but that is IT, folks.
Do something about it, because I'm too broke from paying too much for gas to get me to the good stuff.

-Apathetic Arlington

Yee-Haws and Hells Naws Folio Weekly "Best of Jax" Edition

Yee-Haws:
Best Thing to Happen in Northeast Florida in '06: The completion of 9A
Mandarin to Arlington in under 30 minutes, not half bad.

Best Reason to Avoid Club Paris: Roofies. Paris Hilton sucks. It's gay. Etc.
I can't think of any reasons not to avoid Club Paris. Unless of course, it's teen night.

Hells Naws:
Best Local Trend: "Salt Life" Stickers
Lame!

Local Hero: John Peyton
If John Peyton's greatest contributions to the city have been the unconstitutional Daith of Faith and his ability shake it at Club Paris, I'd say he's more suited for Local Zero.

Best Place to See a Movie: Cinemark Tinseltown
Though not the worst place to see a movie, definitely not the "best". Incompetent employees, minimal selection of "alternative" (aka GOOD) films, and stale over buttered popcorn....Tinseltown is not quite up to par. San Marco Theater will always be #1 in my mind, showing the perfect balance of big budget blockbusters, independent films, and classic (eerrr.....pre-1995) favorites.

-Mopey Mandarin

And the winner is...

Mazel tov to The Urban Core for its new status as "Best Local Blog," as noted in Folio Weekly's latest "Best of Jax" edition. Way to go! Here at Suburban Jacksonville, we consider Tony a "blogging machine," due to his incredible ability to post interesting and relevant blogs, virtually everday.
As for us "newbies," who haven't quite gotten our acts together, it is often easy to get out of "blogger" mode, and slack off once in a while. Though be assured that SuburbanJacksonville is here to stay; we are determined not to "lose steam" or "run out of stuff to say." There is still much more for us to rant/bitch about. And of course, there are always the occasional yee-haws. In order to avoid falling into the abyss with the other forgotten, burnt out blogs, Mopey Mandarin has so diligently devised the Suburban Jacksonville Road Map to Success:

1) Blog, blog, blog! Obviously. For the time being, blogging will take place at least once a week, as life is currently extremely hectic and stressful. Once life slows down, blogging will resume to a more acceptable rate of 3 to 4 posts per week. And will eventually occur every day.
2)The Illustration Revival Initially, the goal of SuburbanJacksonville was to include an illustration with every post. Due to recent phenomena beyond our control, the scanner responsible for this task has become ill. Therefore, the Illustration Revival is contingent upon the future condition of said scanner.
3)Horizon Expansion We need to get out more. Too many nights are spent at home bitching about how boring Jacksonville is. By expanding our horizons, and trying new activities, there should be a directly proportional increase in the number of blogs we post. (Think chemistry. Charle's Law: V₁/T₁=V₂T₂)

On the Road Map to Success, all signs point to globalization and complete domination of the local blogging community. (Can you guess which one of us is Pinky, and which one is the Brain?) Suburban Jacksonville is on the rise, and there's no turning back from here.

Forever Yours,
Mopey Mandarin and Apathetic Arlington

Coffee Crisis

OHNOOHNOOHNO

Go save Uncommon Grounds!

(See Joey's article)

Full of Grace

Your Sunday Plans:

1. You are going to wake up early and put on a sweatshirt because it is COLD out in the morning. Smell the coffee.

2. You are going to go to get in your car and drive to the gas station where you are allowed to jump up at down at receiving one gallon of gas for $2.05. Still consider bio-diesel.

3. You are going to drive out to Bruce Park, in Arlington, and take in the lack of sights before next week's beautification project. Imagine oak trees.

4. You are going to go home and shower so you don't look like a slob, then you are going to head to the Beaches Branch Library for their annual book sale! There is absolutely nothing better than spending your Sunday afternoon, from 1-4, buying very very inexpensive old library books by the bag load. Breathe in the words.

5. Utilize free will.

6. You are going to go to the Children's Home Society's Caring Chef's event at the Avenue's Mall. Life is better when someone else makes your food for you. Enjoy it. Don't exercise when you get home.

7. Count down the days until you get to try this bit of Heaven in a bottle. Hell naw?


-Apathetic Arlington

( Yee-Haws and Hells Naws )3

Let's all give a big Hells Naw to semitrucks and their drivers. When your vehicle has multiple axles, you do not need to drive it as if it were a racecar. Also, just because your vehicle is bigger than mine, does not give you have the right to cut me off. And lastly, you can't make a left turn from the center lane. "How's my driving", you ask. Dreadful.

Yee-Haw to bountiful amounts of free coupons from Panera. Keep 'em coming. I can never get enough free pizza and soup. If you are like me, and prefer a free soup over overpriced soup, you too can recieve these coupons. All you have to do is hand over all your personal information to Panera when you sign up to use their free internet, and the coupons eventually start coming in the mail by the boat load.

Yee-Haw to urban excursions! We actually ventured outside of our comfortable suburban communities, to brave the Downtown frontier. Our mission: books, music, and shrimp tacos. Actually, the shrimp tacos were only for Mopey Mandarin, as Apathetic Arlington is more of a tofu burrito kind of girl. Needless to say, our mission was successful. A return mission in the near future is foreseen.